The Missing Skill in Most Relationships (And How DBT Can Help)
Have you ever opened up to someone about a difficult emotion, only to be met with advice or a quick fix? Maybe you were told to "look on the bright side" or offered solutions before you even finished speaking. While these responses often come from a place of love, they can leave us feeling unseen or dismissed.
Validation is one of the most powerful tools we have in relationships, yet it's often misunderstood. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), validation means recognizing and acknowledging another person’s internal experience—their feelings, thoughts, or actions—as understandable within their context. It doesn’t mean you agree, and it doesn’t mean fixing the problem. It means showing up and making space for what the other person is feeling.
Why People Struggle to Validate
Many of us were raised with the idea that emotional support means offering advice or solving a problem. But emotions aren’t problems to fix. They're signals to understand. When someone you love is hurting, it can be uncomfortable to sit with their pain. So we rush to remove it. Unfortunately, that can leave the other person feeling invalidated.
Story Time
I once worked with a teen who frequently argued with her mother. When the teen expressed sadness about being left out at school, her mom would immediately say things like, "Don’t worry about them" or "Just make new friends." These comments, while well-intentioned, made the teen feel even more isolated. Once the mother learned how to validate first—"That sounds so painful. It makes sense you'd feel left out" — their relationship began to change. The teen felt heard, and only then was she open to problem-solving together.
The 6 Levels of Validation in DBT
Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, outlines six levels of validation (Linehan, 1993). Each level deepens connection and emotional safety:
Being Present: Actively listening with your full attention. This means making eye contact, putting away distractions, and tuning in.
Accurate Reflection: Summarizing what the other person said to show you understand. Example: "You're feeling overwhelmed by everything at once."
Reading Minds: Going a step further by acknowledging unspoken feelings. This might sound like, "I wonder if you're also feeling embarrassed."
Understanding in Context: Recognizing that the person’s emotion or behavior makes sense based on their history or current situation. For instance, if someone raised in a critical environment feels overly sensitive, it's understandable.
Recognizing the Valid: Pointing out what makes sense in their reaction. "Anyone in your shoes would probably feel hurt."
Showing Equality and Radical Genuineness: Responding with authenticity and respect. This could mean sharing that you’ve felt similarly, without making it about you.
Validation Creates Connection
Using these levels of validation can transform relationships. When people feel emotionally safe and understood, they’re more likely to trust, open up, and collaborate. It also helps de-escalate conflict. Instead of feeling like they have to defend their emotions, the other person feels supported.
Conclusion
Validation is not about fixing, minimizing, or rushing through someone’s pain. It’s about seeing them, hearing them, and honoring their emotional reality. In our fast-paced world, offering validation is one of the most generous and healing gifts we can give.
At Awake DBT, we teach validation skills to individuals, teens, couples, and families. Want to learn how to bring more understanding and connection into your relationships? Book a free consult call!
Sources:
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
#DBTValidation #RelationshipSkills #EmotionalSafety #MindfulCommunication #DBTforFamilies #AwakeDBT